Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want. "The second engineer nodded approvingly 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. " The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

"Normal people...believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. if you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that 'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog... that's cool."

A Priest, Doctor and Engineer were sentenced to die by the guillotine. The Priest was called first. He was led up to the platform, strapped in, and the board lowered into position and his head secured. The Executioner pulled the lever and the blade came flashing down. However, halfway down it jammed and came to a stop. The Executioner took this as a sign from God and freed the Priest. The Doctor was led up to the platform next. The same thing happened and the Doctor was freed. The Engineer was led up the platform. He looked up at the guillotine for a couple minutes, then said to the Executioner: "You know, I think I see the problem."

Top Thirteen Reasons to Date an Engineer

1. Complimentary Tutoring
2. Large Earning Potential
3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4. Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6. FREE body diagrams
7. Always back up their hard drives
8. Trained to do it right the first time
9. Specialized in experimentation
10. Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
11. They have significant figures
12. They know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force
13. They know the right hand rule